(no subject)
16. A description of my last kiss.

It was sort of silly because the love of my life was trying to cheer me up do to having a sore knee. there was kitty rubs and purrs with a bit of pouncing.

 25. One of my internal conflicts.

This is an easy one for me. admitting to myself that I was Bi sexual and gender fluid. I was raised in a judgmental town where  I say what happened to our one openly gay boy that was also a close personal friend of mine. to be honest I hated myself for feeling the way I did but i am so much happyer having admitted it and accepted it.

39. The nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.

There are lots that would qualify for this but the first thing that comes to mind this morning is "For a big man you are very sexy, and if not for having a boy friend I would love to sleep with you."

Since weirdodragoncat poked at me....
Give me a number (or three) and I'll answer the question(s):

01. My sexual orientation.
02. What I'm really bad at.
03. The one person whose arms I'd like to be in.
04. My best first date.
05. A description of my self-esteem.
06. Who my best friends are.
07. My favorite book.
08. Biggest turn-offs.
09. A description of my best friend.
10. My favorite animal.
11. Someone I miss.
12. The reason behind my last break-up.
13. What I did yesterday.
14. My greatest achievements.
15. My favorite songs right now.
16. A description of my last kiss.
17. What I find attractive.
18. All of the pets I've ever owned.
19. My favorite ice cream flavor.
20. The one place I wish I was right now.
21. The most cruel thing anyone has ever said to me.
22. All of the places I've lived.
23. Qualities that make me more likely to love a person.
24. My future plans.
25. One of my internal conflicts.
26. What I'm doing tomorrow.
27. My life's aspirations.
28. My most embarrassing moment.
29. Two of my insecurities.
30. What I would do if I won the lottery.
31. What I love most about myself.
32. My biggest pet peeves.
33. What musical artists I've seen live.
34. How many kids I would like to have.
35. My idea of a perfect date.
36. What I'm really excellent at.
37. My most traumatic experience.
38. Where I would like to live.
39. The nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
40. Whether I like where I live now.
41. What I can hear right now.
42. My relationship with my siblings.
43. What's currently worrying me the most.
44. Something I've repeatedly wished for.
45. My relationship with my parents.
46. What I dislike most about myself.

Fucking C word
I do not use this word for any one but very Speacial People. But an exhouse mate of mine has proven to be a fucking cunt. today when i went by to gather some more stuff of mine. I find out that she has compleatly cleaned me out. Several hundred dollars of d&d stuff. the rest of my cloths. everything all I might have left is my fucking bed if I am lucky. I told her last week that I had a truck this wednesday to get my stuff and well she desided that that wasnt soon enuff. of well karma will bite her in the ass in the end. I mean it is just stuff. everything i have that means anything to me is at home. but still i just feel violated.

So for the first time in over a year I am returning to masters den..... The last time I was here, I had to accept that my relationship was over.... Well I know things are better now and will be a hell of a lot better then last time, I cant help but feel a little bit gun shy about going to this event tonight. Things will be better this time around as it will be mine and DCs first public scene...I just want to make sure it all goes right....

This morning
This morning as I lay in bed next to you and watch you sleep I cant help but love you more and more. I Love you more now then I did when I First say you at the Party in oct. where I prayed to the gods for 15 more min. and listend intensly to evey thing you said on the way home. I love you more then our first date just over a month ago. Where I would have done anything to follow you home. Every day for my love grows for you and My heart jumps when I awake and I am still in our bed in our room. I have not awaken so this must not be a dream but if it is I dont ever want to wake up.....

So old situations come around again....
So I was talking to a friend of mine that I used to mentor in the finer points of a specific type of SM play. In our conversation she revealed that she misses our late night conversations....Now we have never met in person, just sent a few pictures lots of IMs and lots of hot conversations.... with things changing for me just over a month ago, I told her that I think we would be better as friends since we just never had time to meet and her work schedule and mine even kept us off the phone with each other... Well in talking to her tonight via email, she told me that she would like to go back to the way things were, that it feels wrong not to call me "THAT NAME!" I dont know how or what to think about this. It is something that will have to be discussed with all parties involved.... Ahhh Well..... On the bright side I am 40LBS lighter than I was a month ago.....

new truths
So this might come as a shock to some and it is a recent development. I know I am liable to lose friends and be looked at even stranger by family but here it goes I just have to say it. No I am not gay I love girls just ask Rachael. But this weekend I kissed two different male friends And I enjoyed it damn it. This is me and I will wear it proudly. I love you all and I hope you can except me for who I am learning I am.


Why is it that when ever I need help my so called friends and familey are no where to be seen, but as soon as one of them loses a job, needs car repaire some one to watch an animal, kid or some other thing that they didnt plan for they are up my ass for help.... WTF WTF WTF WTF!!!!! Damn people Lack of planing on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine. IM not the one that filed for a bogus loan, I am not the one driving all the roomates away, I am not the one that made every excuse in the world not to help with a uhual to get stuff out of storage... In fact I am not the one that cost me a house, a job, and almost everything I owned. YOU PEOPLE ARE!!!!!! Now in the words of god smack "Just go away!!!" Luv Ya Mean It...

Here I sit alone in our room for the first time sence we have been together alone in our home. I am ot afraid that i will not see you again because I know you are just out taking care of business. With a small wiff of the air I can still see you in my mind standing if front of me looking in to my eyes as we are about to kiss. I can tast the sweetness of rose water at the touch of our lips. I feel your body quizer at the touch of my hand. I love you so much hurry hiome so we can do it all again.

Finally..... :D


     So it has happened what I swore that I would never allow to happen again. I have fallen in love. And no not again but honestly for the first time.
I know I would do anything for her for them. she is the most beautiful woman I have ever seen and her daughter just has a way of making me just al warm and fuzzy. I cant tell you how hard I cried when she asked me to spend the night so I could help her with mothers day breakfast, and then cooking dinner for them gave me the knowledge of something I have been missing for a long time. Don't get me wrong I love my son more then life itself but I could never take him from his mother and his home..... But I think....NO I KNOW I have found my Home..... I love my girls more then any man has ever loved before.


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